W.A. Ellis, the Knightsbridge Estate Agent founded in 1868 and ddealing with some of the most prestigious addresses and clients in the world, think my blogs are funny, which is nice. They want me to write one about them. 'Only if it's warts and all' I warn. I don't want people thinking I have moved over to the dark side. 'Warts and all is fine' they say. I really hope they mean that and I really hope I am not going to have to spend an entire day with roaring 'Ruperts'.
I arrive at their Brompton Road office. A cavernous labyrinth covering many floors, housing nearly 50 property pro's and belied by the subtle shop front. If Estate Agents did TARDISes...
Leila on reception greets me. She's a born and bred Londoner, a nice change to your standard London EA receptionist, who are generally chosen for inside leg measurement, blondeness and the ability to speak English is an after thought.
Simon, my 'charming as they get' host for the day arrives. 'Lift or stairs?' he asks. 'Stairs' I say and emerge panting on the sales floor eyrie in the Knightsbridge treetops. I can see down to a square which has been a temporary home to Bill Gates and Woody Allen among many, I may know this but I suspect W.A. Ellis couldn't possibly comment.
The sales team greet me warily, they know I am writing a blog, some even know what one is. I feel like Katie Price infiltrating the Royal box.
Simon has calls to make, so I tuck myself into a corner with a steaming mug of Earl Grey. Hate the stuff. I attempt invisibility but with flapping ears.
Graeme, an 18 year old recruit to WAE 'quite a few' years ago is on the phone. 'We're not going to start this if you're not going to finish it' he booms at what I picture as an increasingly squirming buying agent. "I won't have my client messed around'. I warm to Graham.
Receivers are covered as questions get thrown to the floor.. 'Anyone seen anything good on Egerton..?' 'Whats the chance of demising that roof terrace on Walton Street?'
'Our Vendor's just lost out on an Eaton Place, can we find one, £5-£9m?' says Jamie, who started as a Saturday boy and was then supported through a Real Estate Degree by the company... I bite my lip, dying to say 'tell them to call me!'
It's time to hit the road with Simon. We are street walking Knightsbridge style. Well he is. I am sporting Clarks comfort heels and blisters, he is in Gucci. First stop a pied a terre in South Kensington. It's tenanted, (cue untidy) and has the added novelty of a snarling home alone Chihuahua. 'It's on webcam' Simon informs me, 'they watch it from work'. No kicking the dog then, I tell him.
First viewer is a glossy buying agent. 'It needs gutting' she proclaims. 'Is your client happy to do that?' asks Simon. 'NO' is the curt response. Oops, I look away and concentrate on my role of shooing dog from ankles. Another viewing and another buying agent lollops up the common parts. Simon talks through innovative ways to redesign layout. The buying agent has other ideas, dumb ones. I bite my lip. Onto the roof terrace, Simon starts a techy discussion on it not being demised and ways in which to mitigate that. It's high up and we are surrounded by London chimney pots. If I had an umbrella I could be Mary Poppins but Simon is no Dick Van Dyke. He's more Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge, I think wistfully. I try to focus back on roof terrace demisings and not dwell on the unlikelihood of me being mistaken for Nicole Kidman.
Another flat, and £1m nicer. Tim is already there with a gaggle of even glossier buying agents and their uber-glossy clients. I look around trying to find fault then remind myself that today I am not a buying agent, I am an EA.. I need to project the positives. 'It's very light' I say lamely. Tim and Simon classily avert their eyes from the wired glass views onto the dingy light well and say 'absolutely!' I'll stick to being a buying agent, I am so much better at being negative.
Discussions are on lease length, service charges and sink funds, as the common area's are, shall we say, 'very'. It gets very technical buying flats and the best agents spell out the good AND the bad at the front end. It save's lawyer/buyer histrionics the day before exchange.
We trot back to the office and I grab a cuppa with Lucy Morton, the doyenne, the matriach, if not supreme commander of not only WA Ellis but most committee's, boards and advisory panel's worth listening to in the property world. In this world, at this level she's as rare as hens teeth, she is a woman and a phenomenally knowledgable one. Her awards shelf competes with Ant and Dec's. I comment on the longevity of their staff, many over 15 years and Jamie starting as a Saturday boy. 'Oh yes' she says 'He was so young when he started that I wouldn't let him cross the Brompton Road'. I get a maternal twinge, then remind myself he is an Estate Agent.
I am told to talk to Charlie about the lettings side, they cover a large swathe of London from this office. Ah, the delicious Charlie. I force a lame News of The World style interrogation on him. 'Tell me your funniest tenant story'. I am regaled with inebriated Polish girls, the quaintly phrased 'birthday suits' and Dan stuck in a lift 'I was talking to his feet for an hour'.
A quick catch up with Katya, IT manager and Bill Gates' most dedicated of Bulgarian disciples. She rules all things wifi and web with an iron curtain fist... and Louboutins, then it's off with Jamie to see something in the teens of millions with the added bonus of a real-life buyer, not a buying agent. It's an astounding chandelier hung Edwardian apartment overlooking the poshest of the posh London squares. Decor is a feast of 1980's trompe l'oeil and rag roll paint effects but what the heck, it has a 30ft balustraded terrace with glorious black and white original tiling.' Can we take those up?' asks the prospective buyer. I have visions of decking, blue LED's and Cargo tea lights, my intake of breath is audible. She needs a different type of decking. Lip is bitten yet again.
Back at the office I am flagging. We have walked literally miles, as no one was getting me on the back of their ubiquitous red scooters.
I finish off with the sales guys. Dominic tells me he has been in Lettings, Sales and the surveying department.. he is a chartered surveyor and his desk, littered with very funky spectacles points to a personality too. Another 'hens teeth in the industry' moment.
As I am leaving, the whole office ask 'Have you seen Trevor Place, it's stunning'. Genuine enthusiasm for a listing is a rare thing to hear from Estate Agents. 'Yes, I have seen it', I say, (it is £17m of delicious double fronted real estate), but there's one thing I haven't seen today', I tell them.... 'A Rupert'.
We do have one of them they say, a little crestfallen... but we keep him in Accounts.