Western Undercliff, Royal Harbour Approach, CT11

If you are seeking and desire your agent to be embellished with an array of medals for prestigious Home Awards, who has clearly been drilled to the point of brainwashed, who regurgitates an opening cliche one liner, which spontaneously makes you think 'typical estate agent'; and as you open your front door, you experience an involuntary and barely noticeable, shudder down your spine, you breathe an inward sigh. That shudder may increase its velocity as they trot towards you with their laptop into your home on a Saturday morning, dribbling with feigned performative glee at your potted plants on your front path. If this is what you wish for, then perhaps we are not for you.

We confess we have played that part and won many an Oscar for it.

My love for your pelmet and its dramatic sweeping crushed velour mink curtains, I can now tell you, was a lie. But this type of behaviour continues to play out: thousands of pathways, thousands of Saturday mornings, reluctantly given up to listen to a trail of Estate Agent scripted patter! Let us be honest it is tedious and loathsome, unless of course you are the narcissistic type, who loves to wax lyrical about your curtains to any poor f**ker who will listen, then maybe we are not for you either!

Geek is a bunch of frank people. Our primary interest is keeping it real; we do not care for scripts or performance. We have no aspiration to bombard you with a corporate presentation, which baffles you with vain information, that ultimately has no meaningful value.

Thirty years on, and I can candidly say with conviction you will not hear one utterance of phoney drivel from us. We are done with the cliches; we are done with wasting that precious human commodity of time; we are done with the cheese. It makes us shudder too.